The Prison You Built Without Knowing It
And the one idea that can set you free.
⚡️ Quick Takeaways
Most stress comes from obsessing over things outside your control.
Power is reclaimed when you define the small circle that is yours to command.
Action Step: Write down everything weighing on you today. Circle only what you can directly influence—that’s your battlefield. Reframe the rest.
Read the full essay for the story + principles. Scroll to the bottom for this week’s Superhuman Signals.
The Storm No One Can Command
A coaching client once told me, “I feel like I’m drowning, Matt. The news keeps telling me how the world is unraveling, the market is all over the place, my team constantly seems uninspired, and I’m pretty sure my wife doesn’t want to be around me—I feel like my life is spinning out of control.” He didn’t need advice; he needed constraints. What he hadn’t realized is that he was trying to breathe underwater, pulling at currents he could never control.
That’s when I had him write out everything that was burdening him—in detail—on a piece of A4 paper. Then, I drew a circle around everything he could take action on and said, “This is the only air you get. What’s inside, you can inhale. What’s outside, you let pass.”
He looked at me, startled. “That’s it?”
Yes. That’s it.
It reminds me of a story I was told once about a farmer…
The farmer stood in his field, fists clenched at the sky. He had sown the seed, tended the soil, done everything in his power. But the rain wouldn’t come. For weeks he cursed the sky, wasting strength on clouds that wouldn’t obey.
Finally, in exhaustion, he turned his eyes downward. He couldn’t command the rain. But, he could dig deeper wells and find water. He could irrigate from what he already had.
The harvest came late, but it came. Not because he bent the storm to his will, but because he mastered the ground God entrusted to him.
The Struggle
We humans exhaust ourselves trying to lasso the wind: other people’s opinions, the global economy, outcomes of events, even the past. We wake up with a low hum of anxiety because we confuse concern with control.
This is the great trap: to chain your expectation to what was never yours. To waste years rehearsing arguments in your head you’ll never speak, scrolling headlines you’ll never change, replaying wounds you cannot undo.
The result? Anxiety. Bitterness. Burnout. A life spread so thin that nothing holds.
It’s not just exhausting. It’s degrading. Because every moment spent in another’s circle is a moment stolen from your own.
The System: Circle of Control
The Circle of Control is simple:
Inner Circle (Control): Your thoughts, choices, actions, habits.
Middle Circle (Influence): Relationships, conversations, leadership.
Outer Circle (Concern): Economy, weather, politics, other people’s behavior.
The key:
Invest energy inward (control).
Negotiate influence outward (influence).
Release obsession with the rest (concern).
It’s not abdication—it’s focus. It’s pruning the infinite down to the essential.
Why It Matters: It’s Not Passivity. It’s Power.
Being (Faith & Meaning): Christ’s words, “Do not worry about tomorrow.” Worry is energy poured into uncontrollables. You and me—we aren’t God, and peace comes when you release what was never yours. Pray instead.
Body (Psychology/Self Systems): Research on locus of control shows internal locus leads to higher resilience, performance, and well-being. Use your energy on what you can control.
Bridge (Philosophy/Expression): Epictetus taught, “Some things are up to us, some are not.” This isn’t new—it’s eternal. When your speech is rooted in control of self, not reaction to chaos, your words cut like a knife.
Bonds (Relationships): Relationships thrive when we stop trying to control people and start managing our own presence. You cannot force another’s loyalty. But you can master how you love, forgive, or walk away.
Business (Impact): Leaders collapse when they chase markets instead of stewarding systems, team culture, and daily execution. You cannot tame markets. But you can build, write, sell, and ship. Your craft is controllable.
Your Turn…
Daily Ritual: Begin your day writing your top 3 worries. Divide them into inside vs outside. Strike out the outside. Act on the inside.
Team Leadership: End meetings by clarifying controllables vs uncontrollables.
Marriage/Parenting: Replace “How do I fix them?” with “How can I show up rightly?”
Stress Check: When anxious, ask: “Is this inside or outside my circle?” or assert, “This is not mine to carry.” And then lay it down.
Business Strategy: Anchor in controllables (processes, offers, positioning) while acknowledging—but not obsessing over—markets. Ignore the noise.
Remember, the measure of a person is not in the storms they silence, but in the ground they master when the storms refuse to obey. Freedom is not found in mastering the world—it’s found in mastering what the world cannot take from you.
All Systems Go,
MVW
📡 Superhuman Signals
Being: Ryan Holiday on the Dichotomy of Control — a modern stoic’s take on focusing on what matters.
Body: Study on locus of control and stress reduction → showing those with internal locus live longer, healthier lives.
Bridge: James Clear’s Identity-Based Habits → micro-habits anchor you in controllables.
Bonds: Harvard’s 85-year study on relationships → the healthiest bonds come from presence, not control.
Business: The Stockdale Paradox → Leading teams when you can’t control the outcome.
💡 Prompt of the Week
Drop this into ChatGPT, Claude, or your favorite LLM
Role: AI Business Coach
Task: Help me clarify my circle of control.
Prompt:
“List everything that feels overwhelming in my business right now. Then, separate them into three categories: things I control directly, things I can influence, and things that are only concerns. Give me a one-sentence reframe for each uncontrollable item that helps me release it.”